Pulling out my Soap Box

Last weekend a news story took to the airwaves involving a mother from Tennessee who had adopted a 7 year-old son from Russia. The adoptive mother has alleged that all the information regarding this young boy was not divulged and that she feels lied to and misled. She and her mother put the 7 year-old on a flight back to Moscow, unescorted, and paid someone to pick up him up and deliver him to Russian officials. I obviously don't know all the details, but some of this reminds me of Paddington Bear being found at the train station with a note attached saying "Please take care of this bear." I don't know all the facts, but I have a real issue with this boy being sent back to Russia without someone to look after him. "Dear God woman... what were you thinking?" comes to mind.

The Ministry office in Russia that handles adoptions is claiming that this boy has no emotional issues after the head of the Ministry met with the child, telling news outlets that he found himself talking to a nice, normal 7 year-old boy.

My first question for both sides is this:

How in the world can this boy not have some emotional issues, trust being a big one? Earlier today I came across a blog by another adoptive mom, The Stir by Joanne Bamberger. In her post she mentioned that she had little doubt that not everything was divulged about this boy's background. Many other adoptive parents could have the same response. The question is what do we do with what we don't know and how do we work through what we do know?

Following is the comment that l left on Joanna Bamberger's blog.

"I think this is a really well written perspective.

One aspect that the mainstream media hasn't touched on is how institutional living impacts children and the range of issues that come with living in that environment. Artyem's trust was broken when his birth mom relinquished custody, his trust (if he'd developed any) was broken when he left the orphanage - leaving everything that was remotely familiar to him (language, sights, smells, daily routine) and went to live in a rural part of TN. At that point he was no doubt waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering when he was going to be let down yet again... 'at what point will you disappoint me and leave me too?'

My son was almost 4 when we adopted him in 2007. Trust was a big thing that we had to work on and it didn't come immediately. Just because we'd adopted him doesn't mean he was going to take to us... we had to earn it and prove worthy of his trust every single day. We had to show him that it didn't matter how much he hit, tried to bite, kick, scream and thrash around... we were not leaving him.

My husband and I worked with the same agency that this mom used for both of our adoptions and I would use them again. They did a great job preparing us for potentials and possibilities, the social worker in our area that worked with them was also fantastic and provided resources and suggestions for us, being available any time with her e-mail address. We never felt like we were alone on this adventure. I can't speak for what the social worker relationship was for this woman, being in a different state.

I hope that other pre-adoptive parents pay attention to this story and come to realize that just as with a child that is birthed, with an adoptive child you get the whole package and you may not know what the package is until you are living it. You have to go into this ready to do the hard work, and it could be harder than your imagination allows. You cannot go into an adoption with the attitude of "saving" a child. No child should feel indebted for being adopted. Children deserve better than that."

We'll all have to see how this pans out. I feel bad for the children in Russia who are in the process of being adopted and getting their chance at a Forever Family. I also hope that officials on both sides take a look at how adoptions are being conducted, figure out what went wrong and address the issue.

I'm stepping off my soap box... for now.