It seems fitting that on Earth Day I am writing about the "greenest" of all light bulbs... those realizations that turn on inside your brain, those "Aha!" moments that really make you think of something in a new light.
Yesterday Scott, the kids and I flew down to Long Beach CA to visit our friends Sabina and Greg, who are also one set of Baden's God-parents and as Greg and Scott have been like brothers since childhood, they're also like family.
This was Baden's first flight since we brought him home from China 2 years, 8 months and 12 days ago. Part of me wondered how he would do on the flight, if he'd be nervous that he was being taken somewhere new, and if we'd experience the resurfacing of abandonment issues. The last time he'd been on a plane he'd gone from extreme hysteria to a total catatonic state.
This time many things were different, starting with him choosing to sit by me. The last time on a plane I was the last person he wanted to be around. I sat there and watched him figure out what almost all the buttons did - volume control, XM radio channel surfing, DirecTV channel surfing (we were on Jet Blue if anyone is wondering). Gadget Man was a happy guy! At one point I realized that he had no recollection of the flight home from China. Part of me can joke and say that I wish I were able to block that event out too, but that's only because it felt like we were never going to get there. For Baden, it wasn't just the nuisance of air travel and very long layovers that he had grappled with, he had more emotional trauma to work through. I anticipated that he'd feel as though he were being torn from everything familiar, in the same circumstance I would have felt that way. Yesterday however I realized the depth of the pain he must have been in.
I am so proud of my brave boy. Without realizing it, he took a big risk yesterday and came out the other side a boy who wanted the airplane to go back up in the air the moment we landed.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Five Years... Five Incredible Years
This past Sunday marked our five year anniversary of receiving Savannah's referral. The calendar says that it has been that long and when I look at my daughter I see all that she is capable of and learning. However, when I look back at pictures and the memories of random moments that seemed so insignificant at the time come flooding back, I pause and ask myself where did the time go? People laugh at me always toting my pocket sized Nikon Coolpix around taking pictures and video of the kids, and I'll be honest there are times when I'm so busy documenting their lives that I don't fully engage in the moment, but when I capture the moments that we look back on and laugh about I am happy to be the "paparazzi mom."
Savannah was 15 months old when we brought her home, so much like a baby but still something in her spirit that made her seem wiser than her age. She has always carried herself with a sense of purpose, intention in her steps and actions. A friend of mine described her expressions as "engaging," and I think that is a terrific word to describe her. The delightful element to her personality is that through it all shines a little girl who is set on enthusiastically exploring her world, reminding us that in the end she is just a kid learning the ropes.
Like... learning how to feed herself yogurt. On this day she put the "Yo!!" in Yo-Baby:
Letting the world know just how much your maini (my-knee) means to you:
(I can tell you that it has been several years since maini was this shade of yellow... now it looks like something a dog buried and dug up several times with a slight grey tinge to it.)I remember walking through Michael's and Jo-Ann's in August '05 just as the Halloween decorations were being put out. I really enjoy Halloween, not focusing so much on the dark side, but having fun with the lighter side of the occasion... picking out pumpkins, getting dressed up in costumes and trick-or-treating with friends and family, and the decorations celebrating Autumn. As I was walking along the aisles I realized that I needed to teach her how to not be scared of some creepier looking things and went about it the only way I could think of... with humor. I showed her a witches face and with a smile on my face and laughter in my voice said to her "spooookkkkyyy," which made her giggle. Soon enough she was doing this on her own and spent the next 2 months entertaining people with her act.
Experiencing how cold snow can feel on your face:
Then there is showing off tricks that others have taught you:
Searching for her first Easter eggs:
Savannah, you have blessed my life in more ways than I can ever tell you. I love you so much xiao mei. Wo ai ni, Mama
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Pulling out my Soap Box
Last weekend a news story took to the airwaves involving a mother from Tennessee who had adopted a 7 year-old son from Russia. The adoptive mother has alleged that all the information regarding this young boy was not divulged and that she feels lied to and misled. She and her mother put the 7 year-old on a flight back to Moscow, unescorted, and paid someone to pick up him up and deliver him to Russian officials. I obviously don't know all the details, but some of this reminds me of Paddington Bear being found at the train station with a note attached saying "Please take care of this bear." I don't know all the facts, but I have a real issue with this boy being sent back to Russia without someone to look after him. "Dear God woman... what were you thinking?" comes to mind.
The Ministry office in Russia that handles adoptions is claiming that this boy has no emotional issues after the head of the Ministry met with the child, telling news outlets that he found himself talking to a nice, normal 7 year-old boy.
My first question for both sides is this:
How in the world can this boy not have some emotional issues, trust being a big one? Earlier today I came across a blog by another adoptive mom, The Stir by Joanne Bamberger. In her post she mentioned that she had little doubt that not everything was divulged about this boy's background. Many other adoptive parents could have the same response. The question is what do we do with what we don't know and how do we work through what we do know?
Following is the comment that l left on Joanna Bamberger's blog.
"I think this is a really well written perspective.
One aspect that the mainstream media hasn't touched on is how institutional living impacts children and the range of issues that come with living in that environment. Artyem's trust was broken when his birth mom relinquished custody, his trust (if he'd developed any) was broken when he left the orphanage - leaving everything that was remotely familiar to him (language, sights, smells, daily routine) and went to live in a rural part of TN. At that point he was no doubt waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering when he was going to be let down yet again... 'at what point will you disappoint me and leave me too?'
My son was almost 4 when we adopted him in 2007. Trust was a big thing that we had to work on and it didn't come immediately. Just because we'd adopted him doesn't mean he was going to take to us... we had to earn it and prove worthy of his trust every single day. We had to show him that it didn't matter how much he hit, tried to bite, kick, scream and thrash around... we were not leaving him.
My husband and I worked with the same agency that this mom used for both of our adoptions and I would use them again. They did a great job preparing us for potentials and possibilities, the social worker in our area that worked with them was also fantastic and provided resources and suggestions for us, being available any time with her e-mail address. We never felt like we were alone on this adventure. I can't speak for what the social worker relationship was for this woman, being in a different state.
I hope that other pre-adoptive parents pay attention to this story and come to realize that just as with a child that is birthed, with an adoptive child you get the whole package and you may not know what the package is until you are living it. You have to go into this ready to do the hard work, and it could be harder than your imagination allows. You cannot go into an adoption with the attitude of "saving" a child. No child should feel indebted for being adopted. Children deserve better than that."
We'll all have to see how this pans out. I feel bad for the children in Russia who are in the process of being adopted and getting their chance at a Forever Family. I also hope that officials on both sides take a look at how adoptions are being conducted, figure out what went wrong and address the issue.
I'm stepping off my soap box... for now.
The Ministry office in Russia that handles adoptions is claiming that this boy has no emotional issues after the head of the Ministry met with the child, telling news outlets that he found himself talking to a nice, normal 7 year-old boy.
My first question for both sides is this:
How in the world can this boy not have some emotional issues, trust being a big one? Earlier today I came across a blog by another adoptive mom, The Stir by Joanne Bamberger. In her post she mentioned that she had little doubt that not everything was divulged about this boy's background. Many other adoptive parents could have the same response. The question is what do we do with what we don't know and how do we work through what we do know?
Following is the comment that l left on Joanna Bamberger's blog.
"I think this is a really well written perspective.
One aspect that the mainstream media hasn't touched on is how institutional living impacts children and the range of issues that come with living in that environment. Artyem's trust was broken when his birth mom relinquished custody, his trust (if he'd developed any) was broken when he left the orphanage - leaving everything that was remotely familiar to him (language, sights, smells, daily routine) and went to live in a rural part of TN. At that point he was no doubt waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering when he was going to be let down yet again... 'at what point will you disappoint me and leave me too?'
My son was almost 4 when we adopted him in 2007. Trust was a big thing that we had to work on and it didn't come immediately. Just because we'd adopted him doesn't mean he was going to take to us... we had to earn it and prove worthy of his trust every single day. We had to show him that it didn't matter how much he hit, tried to bite, kick, scream and thrash around... we were not leaving him.
My husband and I worked with the same agency that this mom used for both of our adoptions and I would use them again. They did a great job preparing us for potentials and possibilities, the social worker in our area that worked with them was also fantastic and provided resources and suggestions for us, being available any time with her e-mail address. We never felt like we were alone on this adventure. I can't speak for what the social worker relationship was for this woman, being in a different state.
I hope that other pre-adoptive parents pay attention to this story and come to realize that just as with a child that is birthed, with an adoptive child you get the whole package and you may not know what the package is until you are living it. You have to go into this ready to do the hard work, and it could be harder than your imagination allows. You cannot go into an adoption with the attitude of "saving" a child. No child should feel indebted for being adopted. Children deserve better than that."
We'll all have to see how this pans out. I feel bad for the children in Russia who are in the process of being adopted and getting their chance at a Forever Family. I also hope that officials on both sides take a look at how adoptions are being conducted, figure out what went wrong and address the issue.
I'm stepping off my soap box... for now.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Red Threads and Ladybugs
"Thousands of miles cannot stop a predestined relationship.” - unknown
A friend of mine who adopted her daughter from China at the time we were adopting for Savannah just shared this quote with me. Julie said that it was in part of a recent letter they'd received from her son's foster mom in China.
I was immediately reminded of the "red thread," a tradition that was very near and dear to my heart during both adoptions. Though it really began as legend about true love, the Chinese adoption community over the years began including the notion into the relationship between adoptive parents and adoptees.
"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break."
-an ancient Chinese belief
It's a common belief that ladybugs are lucky and as they are red, ladybugs have become another powerful notion held by adoptive parents of Chinese children. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of times I talked to ladybugs and asked them to deliver messages to my children in China while we were waiting for them. Yes I realize that a ladybug in Washington state is not at all likely to fly to China, but I believe in leaving room for possibility because Heaven knows, I do not have all the answers. Savannah understands the idea of the red thread and in an earlier post here I mentioned her telling me that it connects her heart to mine.
Over the course of thousands of miles, through the losses in their lives, and no matter where we all came from... Scott, Savannah, Baden and myself have found our way to each other and have become a family.
This perspective also reflects the magical side of adoption that some say helps adoptive parents ease the weight of the burden that in reality our children's lives began in tragedy when they were abandoned by their birth-parents (which is the case for the majority of the children adopted from China.) I wish I knew the circumstances that my children were born into just so that I could help give them some answers and develop an understanding. I wish that whatever the circumstances were that they had been able to remain with their birth families, I wouldn't wish abandonment on anyone, especially the people that I love. To have suffered such profound loss and have a sense of it that nags at the back of your mind, yet knowing that you don't remember anything about it to begin to work through... agony. I love my children and one of the responsibilities that I have as their parent is to help them be emotionally healthy, to understand what we do know, accept that their are things we may never know and to help them find answers that can be found.
A friend of mine who adopted her daughter from China at the time we were adopting for Savannah just shared this quote with me. Julie said that it was in part of a recent letter they'd received from her son's foster mom in China.
I was immediately reminded of the "red thread," a tradition that was very near and dear to my heart during both adoptions. Though it really began as legend about true love, the Chinese adoption community over the years began including the notion into the relationship between adoptive parents and adoptees.
"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break."
-an ancient Chinese belief
It's a common belief that ladybugs are lucky and as they are red, ladybugs have become another powerful notion held by adoptive parents of Chinese children. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of times I talked to ladybugs and asked them to deliver messages to my children in China while we were waiting for them. Yes I realize that a ladybug in Washington state is not at all likely to fly to China, but I believe in leaving room for possibility because Heaven knows, I do not have all the answers. Savannah understands the idea of the red thread and in an earlier post here I mentioned her telling me that it connects her heart to mine.
Over the course of thousands of miles, through the losses in their lives, and no matter where we all came from... Scott, Savannah, Baden and myself have found our way to each other and have become a family.
This perspective also reflects the magical side of adoption that some say helps adoptive parents ease the weight of the burden that in reality our children's lives began in tragedy when they were abandoned by their birth-parents (which is the case for the majority of the children adopted from China.) I wish I knew the circumstances that my children were born into just so that I could help give them some answers and develop an understanding. I wish that whatever the circumstances were that they had been able to remain with their birth families, I wouldn't wish abandonment on anyone, especially the people that I love. To have suffered such profound loss and have a sense of it that nags at the back of your mind, yet knowing that you don't remember anything about it to begin to work through... agony. I love my children and one of the responsibilities that I have as their parent is to help them be emotionally healthy, to understand what we do know, accept that their are things we may never know and to help them find answers that can be found.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Evolution
My friend Sharyn just posted a note on Facebook about the changes in her daughter's life over the past 5 years since she was adopted from China. Her words got me thinking about how my kids lives have changed over the past few years.
15 days from now will mark the 5 year anniversary of Savannah's referral. Five years ago my daughter was living with her foster family on a farm in rural China, at the base of the mountain range separating Jiangxi and Fujian provinces. I don't know much about what her life was like, but there were some early clues that did lighten the mystery. For instance, she came to us knowing up to crawl up and down stairs which led us to believe that her foster family had a two-story house. Her referral paperwork told us that she loved the chickens on the farm, dancing to the music on tv and that she loved babies. We found out that her foster mom had 2 sons and 2 daughters (obviously born before the one child policy went was implemented), and our best guess is that the babies may have been grandchildren. Either way it didn't take long for Savannah to be given the nickname "baby stalker." Every baby that she encountered had to be checked out. I remember explaining to my not quite 2 year-old that she couldn't just go up to babies in strollers because their mom's could get nervous.
Here are are few of my other notes on the past 5 years:
-Congee to pancakes
-stacking cups to Leapster games
-stroller to figure skates
-"Streets" (Sesame Street) to The Exterminators
-Grrr with a stare to grr with more attitude and a huff
-A return trip to China
-a new older brother
-1 trip to Disneyworld/Epcot
-1 trip to Disneyland
-1 trip "North to Alaska"
-4 toe dips in the Pacific Ocean - both sides
-searching for Mulan in modern China - and finding her
-Our lives being altered forever in a great big, beautiful way.
2 years 8 months and 4 days ago Baden was living with a foster family as well. I wish I knew something about who he had lived with. I actually found out that he was living with a foster family from an ex-patriate volunteer that would e-mail me updates on how Baden was doing at Bao'an when she could. She had noticed that she hadn't seen him at the SWI and inquired about him. I remember the e-mail I received from her telling me not to worry, that this was a good thing. I replied right back and told her that I was happy that he was living with a foster family, explaining that from the experience I'd observed of both of my nephews, my youngest niece and my daughter, living with a foster family could be very beneficial - especially when introducing a child who had only lived in an institutional setting to a big, energetic family.
- From only ayi's to look out for him to a mom, dad, slightly younger sister, 2 grandpa's, 3 grandma's, 5 great-aunts/aunts, 4 great-uncles/uncles, 8 cousins he sees regularly, 3 sets of God-parents
- From holding a stuffed Mickey Mouse on a playground slide to shaking hands with the real Mickey Mouse at Disneyland
- From feeling the ocean breeze on the Western side of the Pacific to walking on the sandy beaches of the Eastern side of the Pacific
- From sharing a room with numerous other kids to having a room to call his own
- From no stories at bedtime to choosing which story to have read to at bedtime
- From not knowing how to play to having a blast on the school playground
- From not ever having celebrated his birthday to celebrating 3 birthday's with his family
- Knowing what it means to feel loved, how to give love and experiencing being a part of his very own family and his family being blessed by having him in it... incredible.
15 days from now will mark the 5 year anniversary of Savannah's referral. Five years ago my daughter was living with her foster family on a farm in rural China, at the base of the mountain range separating Jiangxi and Fujian provinces. I don't know much about what her life was like, but there were some early clues that did lighten the mystery. For instance, she came to us knowing up to crawl up and down stairs which led us to believe that her foster family had a two-story house. Her referral paperwork told us that she loved the chickens on the farm, dancing to the music on tv and that she loved babies. We found out that her foster mom had 2 sons and 2 daughters (obviously born before the one child policy went was implemented), and our best guess is that the babies may have been grandchildren. Either way it didn't take long for Savannah to be given the nickname "baby stalker." Every baby that she encountered had to be checked out. I remember explaining to my not quite 2 year-old that she couldn't just go up to babies in strollers because their mom's could get nervous.
Here are are few of my other notes on the past 5 years:
-Congee to pancakes
-stacking cups to Leapster games
-stroller to figure skates
-"Streets" (Sesame Street) to The Exterminators
-Grrr with a stare to grr with more attitude and a huff
-A return trip to China
-a new older brother
-1 trip to Disneyworld/Epcot
-1 trip to Disneyland
-1 trip "North to Alaska"
-4 toe dips in the Pacific Ocean - both sides
-searching for Mulan in modern China - and finding her
-Our lives being altered forever in a great big, beautiful way.
2 years 8 months and 4 days ago Baden was living with a foster family as well. I wish I knew something about who he had lived with. I actually found out that he was living with a foster family from an ex-patriate volunteer that would e-mail me updates on how Baden was doing at Bao'an when she could. She had noticed that she hadn't seen him at the SWI and inquired about him. I remember the e-mail I received from her telling me not to worry, that this was a good thing. I replied right back and told her that I was happy that he was living with a foster family, explaining that from the experience I'd observed of both of my nephews, my youngest niece and my daughter, living with a foster family could be very beneficial - especially when introducing a child who had only lived in an institutional setting to a big, energetic family.
- From only ayi's to look out for him to a mom, dad, slightly younger sister, 2 grandpa's, 3 grandma's, 5 great-aunts/aunts, 4 great-uncles/uncles, 8 cousins he sees regularly, 3 sets of God-parents
- From holding a stuffed Mickey Mouse on a playground slide to shaking hands with the real Mickey Mouse at Disneyland
- From feeling the ocean breeze on the Western side of the Pacific to walking on the sandy beaches of the Eastern side of the Pacific
- From sharing a room with numerous other kids to having a room to call his own
- From no stories at bedtime to choosing which story to have read to at bedtime
- From not knowing how to play to having a blast on the school playground
- From not ever having celebrated his birthday to celebrating 3 birthday's with his family
- Knowing what it means to feel loved, how to give love and experiencing being a part of his very own family and his family being blessed by having him in it... incredible.
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