Savannah Skates

I remember something the head social worker at WACAP said during our WACAP Weekend back in 2004 - your children will come with their own talents and skills that will be inherent gifts from their birth-parents. These talents and skills may not match your own interests, and as an adoptive parent you need to support your child and their talents. For example if you are into sports, but your child's talents and skills lie with playing the piano or violin you need to embrace your child for who they are and demonstrate that you are behind them and their endeavor.

When Savannah was 2 1/2 she started taking ballet at a small studio in Blaine WA, the Blaine Conservatory. In the beginning she was a wreck, afraid and teary... until I bought her a black ballet skirt with a heart shaped "diamond" on the bow. The next class she was falling in love with ballet. She loved walking on her tip-toes, twirling and the pretty music.

June 2008: after her second ballet recital where her class were butterflies

While Savannah was taking ballet class I had enrolled Baden in a pre-school gymnastics class as a form of physical therapy after just come home from his orphanage in China. When we adopted Baden he really had no physical strength, muscle tone, stamina or coordination. I thought gymnastics would be a great place to begin developing these physical aspects. In the beginning Savannah was content to sit on the side-lines while Baden had his class. That lasted one session. Before long Savannah was in on the action and having fun. Ballet was still her first love because it was much prettier than gymnastics, in her mind at least. By the end of the school year and summer camps Savannah was ready to say zai jian (Mandarin for "good-bye) to gymnastics and ballet. It was time to find something new.

At the time Scott had just begun playing hockey again on a local recreation team and the kids loved spending time at the Bellingham Sportsplex watching him play on the evenings they could stay up late. I thought I'd capitalize on Savannah's intrigue and introduce her to figure skating. Little did I know that when I signed her up for Snow Plow Sam 1 that this would become the sport that she would love. She was 4 years old at the time and was in heaven on the ice. It didn't matter if she fell down, she'd pick herself up and keep going. Just as had been the case with Savannah and gymnastics, Baden in the beginning was content watching Savannah skate - until he wasn't. Baden decided to opt out of gymnastics and pursue skating, determined to eventually play hockey like Scott. As far as Baden's physical growth, putting him on the ice was the best thing I could have done from him - improving his leg and core strength as well as his confidence. Savannah was spurred on by the competition of her brother, determined to stay ahead of him.

Savannah's very first skating lesson

and afterwards, a very happy girl

Savannah has just finished her second year of skating and loves it even more than she did in the beginning. She loves the prettiness of it and though she really wants to learn how to jump, she is enthralled with spins.

Last Winter Session her instructor approached me saying that Savannah was at a point where she couldn't progress on rental skates because of the blades being dull and the toe picks shaved off. For her 6th birthday Savannah was given her first pair of figure skates from one set of grand-parents and a new skating dress from another set of grand-parents (Santa had brought her first skating dress just months before, which she had already started to out grow). You would think she'd just been handed the moon!

The next session rolls around and after finishing a make-up class the instructor came up to me and said that he couldn't believe how much she'd improved since the last time he'd taught her and asked if I'd looked at signing her up for the Summer Breeze competition that the Bellingham Figure Skating Club and Sportsplex put on. I had noticed it, but not given it much attention. Before I knew it I had Savannah signed up for the prep class and competition for the end of June. What was a once a week class with practicing during the Public Skate time on Monday afternoons turned into regular class once a week, and Summer Breeze prep class twice a week as well as practice on Monday afternoons, and 20 minutes with her new coach each Wednesday. Not once did she complain and if anything her smile only grew. Baden was still doing his skating class, and now in his own skates, and on the days he didn't skate was happy to hang out with some of the other brother's who were there while their sister's skated.

In late June Savannah skated in her first competition and finished with the Gold Medal. Although she didn't have anyone competing against her, she wasn't necessarily guaranteed 1st place if she didn't complete all the elements in her program.

Last Friday she competed for the Bellingham Figure Skating Club at the annual Pacific Northwest Inter-club Championships (PNIC) this time held in Everett, a city 1 hour south of Bellingham. This time she was up against one other girl, who from where we sat appeared to be around 10 years-old. Savannah was nervous, understandably, because she knew just from looking around Comcast Arena that there would be more people watching her. When she noticed that the ice she would skate on didn't have the hockey lines painted on that she used as a guide for her program she became a bit more anxious. Coach Sonny assured her that she would be okay and that she knew her program and no longer needed the lines. I blew fairy dust on her for bravery and good luck and off she went with her coach and God-sister Ellie, who was also skating in her first performance, to wait their turns.

Ellie and Savannah before they skated

I am so proud of Savannah! She finished with another Gold Medal and even more valuable was the pride beaming from her eyes and radiating from her smile. She was just glowing!

She has found a sport that makes her happy that allows her to compete against herself and challenge her through constant improvement. I love that she doesn't see these competitions as a contest, but rather a performance no different that any other recital or show. Though I skated as a kid, I never did anything beyond one winter show before going back to ballet so I could work on getting into toe shoes. Some people remark about the amount of time Savannah spends at the rink, and the reality is that it's really no different from the time consumed by kids who are really into soccer or some other sport. If you're going to get better at anything it requires practice, and figure skating just happens to be a sport that is much less portable. If this is the sport that she wants to do then as her mom I need to support her. The real challenge will happen when Baden finds his niche, in the meantime "exposure" is the name of the game for him.

Playing Catch up!

What a whirlwind the past two months have been!

We bought a cycling store (can't say bicycle because we sell an surprising amount of unicycles too) in Seattle. (BikeSport located in Ballard if you're curious.)

The kids finished Kindergarten and are official 1st Graders. Baden is especially proud to be a 1st Grader. From the moment his teacher tested his reading ability and pronounced him "Ready for 1st Grade" he woke up in the morning asking if he started 1st Grade that day, disappointed when I told him that he wouldn't actually start until after summer vacation. Now that summer is underway he asks "Do we have school today?" Imagine the same extreme pout, sad eyes and shoulder droop from his earlier questions. Sorry buddy, two months and about a week to go.

We celebrated our 5th year with Savannah. I can hardly believe that much time has gone by, but when I see the girl in front of me there is little doubt that she is no longer the 20 lb. 30"tall 15 month-old she was back then. I can ask myself where all the time is gone and be thankful that I've taken so many pictures over the years in order to document the blur.

Baden had surgery to revise his nose and set it up for the growth that will happen between now and age 17. He is such a brave boy. He was very nervous while we waited for him to head off the to the OR, displaying it by over-compensating and bouncing off the walls. When I held him on my lap and asked him if he was nervous, the tears came and the fear was expressed. It broke my heart. Seattle Children's is amazing, the staff and atmosphere are full of optimism and as a parent having to relinquish care and control of your child to virtual strangers, we can do so and feel a bit better about it. In addition to bringing his small stuffed moose to the OR with him, they allowed him to bring his DS as he went under. I carried him to the OR, an experience that Scott had when Baden had his lip revision done two years ago. I was unsettled, but I couldn't let him know. When we walked into the OR one thing struck me that I hadn't anticipated. Yes the room was white, but it's a warm, bright white vs. a cold, drab white. I sat Baden down on the table and reassured him that he was going to be okay, that Mommy and Daddy would be waiting for him and that we'd be there when he woke up. He had his DS out and bleeping as the anesthesiologist put the gas mask on him (he chose the orange flavoring for the mask, in case you were wondering.) We couldn't figure out why he wasn't getting sleepy when she noticed that the tube had come unhooked from the mask. I kissed the top of his head and told him that I loved him, while at the same time holding my right hand under the DS to catch it. On tv and in movies when someone is being put under, the process seems to move along quickly. Either Baden is able to channel pure determination or they have it quite wrong on tv. Many people have commented that Baden is simply very determined. After the tube was hooked back up, Baden's fingers continued to fly, emitting a bleep, twak, choo choo, beep from his Mario game. What seemed like a solid minute went by, I crouched down to look up at his face and his eyes were more wide open than I'd ever seen. With a smile on my face, and fighting back misty eyes, I watched him fight the anesthesia. Finally he handed me the DS as his head dipped a little and he was schooched into position on the table. Once he was under my eyes got misty and it was time for me to leave. A wonderful nurse escorted me out of the room, smiling at me with understanding. She has been a part of countless surgeries and certainly seen the same emotion coming from parents. Though this was a routine surgery for them, while Iwas in the OR I had the feeling that they get that this isn't just a patient, this was a child with a family.

Today marks the end of the two week recovery process for Baden. As of this morning he can jump in the pool, he can play at the beach and search for sea life, he can run through the spray park. He can join in the fun of the All-Comer's track meets on Monday evenings. Yay!

Last weekend Savannah skated in her first compeition, skating to the song "Reflection" from Mulan. I am so proud of her! Last October she had the chance to skate in the Bellingham Figure Skating Club's Winter show and she opted not to, citing that she was afraid that people would laugh at her. By the time dress rehearsal came around in early December she was regretting her choice and said that she wouldn't make the same mistake again. Fast forward 6 months and there she was standing at center ice, arms in position, chin up and skating alone on the ice to her very own program. She didn't have any competitors in her category, which her coach explained to me didn't mean she would automatically get the gold. Someone can skate in that same position and come up short if they didn't hit all of their elements. But she did and she won her first gold medal!! Woo hoo!! Savannah has another competition coming up at the end of the month and she can't wait to skate in that as well. I do believe that my girl has found her sport.

Mother's Day

First thing this morning the kids were showing off their presents that they made at school. From working in the class I knew something was up with the hand prints that the teachers had me do of each child, but I thought it was something for the end of the year. It turns out that the hand prints were part of the art work that accompanied one of my favorite poems - simple words that remind me that my kids are growing every day and to savour every precious moment.

Savannah was excited about her present. Baden on the other hand was as protective of his as any security would be for the Crown Jewels. My mom picked the kids up from school on Friday and at one of the stops Baden became concerned that Grandma's car would be broken into and that someone would take his back pack. He carefully took out his present and covered it up with Savannah's blanket, telling Grandma that the bad guy could take his back pack, but they were not getting his Mother's Day present. In nearly three years I have not ever seen this side of him, and as lovely as the gift is, it was how much it meant to him that makes it even more special.

A sun from my son

Savannah's portrait of me wearing her favorite necklace and purple shirt of mine

People remark about how lucky my children are to be a part of our family, a comment that I turn around and respond with how we are the lucky ones. I am the mom who is showered with hugs and kisses, the sweet "You're the best Mom!", the bed time stories, the singing of "Happy Mother's Day" to the tune of "Happy Birthday." I am the one who gets to watch them grow up and discover who they are. Somewhere in China are two women who, for reasons unknown, don't get those tender moments from these two children. Mother's Day is becoming a popular holiday in China, with carnations being a growing symbol of the day - the carnation representing a mother's love and caring, according to a May 2001 article in the English version of People's Daily (http://english.peopledaily.com.cn/200105/14/eng20010514_69871.html)

It's on Mother's Day that my mind wanders to the two women who gave my children life. I wonder what their life is like and if they allow themselves to think about the children they weren't able to raise. Are they bitter about a choice that was made for them rather than one they consented to? Are they angry about the circumstances that lead to their choice? Do they accept it as "that's how things are?" I can imagine how I would feel, but that is a perspective looked at with a different cultural lens.

If I had a way of communicating with my children's birth-mothers there are a mountain of questions that I would like to ask them, many of them starting with "Why." By that same token there are so many things I would want to tell them about these two remarkable, strong and brave children.

I would want Savannah's birth-mom to know what a kind, gentle and engaging girl she is becoming. I would tell her about how she dotes on babies and loves to climb trees. I would tell her that she doesn't have just one life dream, but an entire list that now includes sky-diving and becoming a scientist who studies "rollie pollie's" (potato bugs), as well as a figure skating instructor and wedding dress designer. She quietly expresses herself through her paintings and drawings and has a vocabulary that makes her sound much older than her age. She has decided that her singing ability and love for art come from her maternal birth-grandmother. Savannah doesn't speak of bitterness towards her birth-parents for not being able to raise her, but more from a place of empathy. I am proud of her determination and humility. She is proud of the things she knows she does well, but doesn't boast about it.

I would want Baden's birth-mom to know that the boy who came to us terrified and feeling alone is now a boy who oozes happiness from his pores. Each day he becomes more self-assured and confident in his abilities. He's beginning to realize that mistakes actually get you closer to success and that we are not born knowing everything. He has a wonderful and infectious sense of humor, and just enough prankster to be amusing. Baden has a way of making people smile even though he's so busy talking through laughter that we can't understand him. He's discovering his talents and enjoying the adventure along the way. I admire his bravery and endurance. For someone to have gone through all that he has in his 6 years and smile in a way that makes his eyes dance and twinkle is remarkable. He loves big and isn't afraid to show it.

Mother's Day is an occasion that I celebrate for three mom's - the women who gave my children life and the one teaching them how to live it.

Light Bulbs

It seems fitting that on Earth Day I am writing about the "greenest" of all light bulbs... those realizations that turn on inside your brain, those "Aha!" moments that really make you think of something in a new light.

Yesterday Scott, the kids and I flew down to Long Beach CA to visit our friends Sabina and Greg, who are also one set of Baden's God-parents and as Greg and Scott have been like brothers since childhood, they're also like family.

This was Baden's first flight since we brought him home from China 2 years, 8 months and 12 days ago. Part of me wondered how he would do on the flight, if he'd be nervous that he was being taken somewhere new, and if we'd experience the resurfacing of abandonment issues. The last time he'd been on a plane he'd gone from extreme hysteria to a total catatonic state.

This time many things were different, starting with him choosing to sit by me. The last time on a plane I was the last person he wanted to be around. I sat there and watched him figure out what almost all the buttons did - volume control, XM radio channel surfing, DirecTV channel surfing (we were on Jet Blue if anyone is wondering). Gadget Man was a happy guy! At one point I realized that he had no recollection of the flight home from China. Part of me can joke and say that I wish I were able to block that event out too, but that's only because it felt like we were never going to get there. For Baden, it wasn't just the nuisance of air travel and very long layovers that he had grappled with, he had more emotional trauma to work through. I anticipated that he'd feel as though he were being torn from everything familiar, in the same circumstance I would have felt that way. Yesterday however I realized the depth of the pain he must have been in.

I am so proud of my brave boy. Without realizing it, he took a big risk yesterday and came out the other side a boy who wanted the airplane to go back up in the air the moment we landed.

Five Years... Five Incredible Years

This past Sunday marked our five year anniversary of receiving Savannah's referral. The calendar says that it has been that long and when I look at my daughter I see all that she is capable of and learning. However, when I look back at pictures and the memories of random moments that seemed so insignificant at the time come flooding back, I pause and ask myself where did the time go? People laugh at me always toting my pocket sized Nikon Coolpix around taking pictures and video of the kids, and I'll be honest there are times when I'm so busy documenting their lives that I don't fully engage in the moment, but when I capture the moments that we look back on and laugh about I am happy to be the "paparazzi mom."

Savannah was 15 months old when we brought her home, so much like a baby but still something in her spirit that made her seem wiser than her age. She has always carried herself with a sense of purpose, intention in her steps and actions. A friend of mine described her expressions as "engaging," and I think that is a terrific word to describe her. The delightful element to her personality is that through it all shines a little girl who is set on enthusiastically exploring her world, reminding us that in the end she is just a kid learning the ropes.

Like... learning how to feed herself yogurt. On this day she put the "Yo!!" in Yo-Baby:

Letting the world know just how much your maini (my-knee) means to you:


(I can tell you that it has been several years since maini was this shade of yellow... now it looks like something a dog buried and dug up several times with a slight grey tinge to it.)

I remember walking through Michael's and Jo-Ann's in August '05 just as the Halloween decorations were being put out. I really enjoy Halloween, not focusing so much on the dark side, but having fun with the lighter side of the occasion... picking out pumpkins, getting dressed up in costumes and trick-or-treating with friends and family, and the decorations celebrating Autumn. As I was walking along the aisles I realized that I needed to teach her how to not be scared of some creepier looking things and went about it the only way I could think of... with humor. I showed her a witches face and with a smile on my face and laughter in my voice said to her "spooookkkkyyy," which made her giggle. Soon enough she was doing this on her own and spent the next 2 months entertaining people with her act.









Experiencing how cold snow can feel on your face:












Then there is showing off tricks that others have taught you:

Searching for her first Easter eggs:

Savannah, you have blessed my life in more ways than I can ever tell you. I love you so much xiao mei. Wo ai ni, Mama

Pulling out my Soap Box

Last weekend a news story took to the airwaves involving a mother from Tennessee who had adopted a 7 year-old son from Russia. The adoptive mother has alleged that all the information regarding this young boy was not divulged and that she feels lied to and misled. She and her mother put the 7 year-old on a flight back to Moscow, unescorted, and paid someone to pick up him up and deliver him to Russian officials. I obviously don't know all the details, but some of this reminds me of Paddington Bear being found at the train station with a note attached saying "Please take care of this bear." I don't know all the facts, but I have a real issue with this boy being sent back to Russia without someone to look after him. "Dear God woman... what were you thinking?" comes to mind.

The Ministry office in Russia that handles adoptions is claiming that this boy has no emotional issues after the head of the Ministry met with the child, telling news outlets that he found himself talking to a nice, normal 7 year-old boy.

My first question for both sides is this:

How in the world can this boy not have some emotional issues, trust being a big one? Earlier today I came across a blog by another adoptive mom, The Stir by Joanne Bamberger. In her post she mentioned that she had little doubt that not everything was divulged about this boy's background. Many other adoptive parents could have the same response. The question is what do we do with what we don't know and how do we work through what we do know?

Following is the comment that l left on Joanna Bamberger's blog.

"I think this is a really well written perspective.

One aspect that the mainstream media hasn't touched on is how institutional living impacts children and the range of issues that come with living in that environment. Artyem's trust was broken when his birth mom relinquished custody, his trust (if he'd developed any) was broken when he left the orphanage - leaving everything that was remotely familiar to him (language, sights, smells, daily routine) and went to live in a rural part of TN. At that point he was no doubt waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering when he was going to be let down yet again... 'at what point will you disappoint me and leave me too?'

My son was almost 4 when we adopted him in 2007. Trust was a big thing that we had to work on and it didn't come immediately. Just because we'd adopted him doesn't mean he was going to take to us... we had to earn it and prove worthy of his trust every single day. We had to show him that it didn't matter how much he hit, tried to bite, kick, scream and thrash around... we were not leaving him.

My husband and I worked with the same agency that this mom used for both of our adoptions and I would use them again. They did a great job preparing us for potentials and possibilities, the social worker in our area that worked with them was also fantastic and provided resources and suggestions for us, being available any time with her e-mail address. We never felt like we were alone on this adventure. I can't speak for what the social worker relationship was for this woman, being in a different state.

I hope that other pre-adoptive parents pay attention to this story and come to realize that just as with a child that is birthed, with an adoptive child you get the whole package and you may not know what the package is until you are living it. You have to go into this ready to do the hard work, and it could be harder than your imagination allows. You cannot go into an adoption with the attitude of "saving" a child. No child should feel indebted for being adopted. Children deserve better than that."

We'll all have to see how this pans out. I feel bad for the children in Russia who are in the process of being adopted and getting their chance at a Forever Family. I also hope that officials on both sides take a look at how adoptions are being conducted, figure out what went wrong and address the issue.

I'm stepping off my soap box... for now.

Red Threads and Ladybugs

"Thousands of miles cannot stop a predestined relationship.” - unknown

A friend of mine who adopted her daughter from China at the time we were adopting for Savannah just shared this quote with me. Julie said that it was in part of a recent letter they'd received from her son's foster mom in China.

I was immediately reminded of the "red thread," a tradition that was very near and dear to my heart during both adoptions. Though it really began as legend about true love, the Chinese adoption community over the years began including the notion into the relationship between adoptive parents and adoptees.

"An invisible red thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break."
-an ancient Chinese belief

It's a common belief that ladybugs are lucky and as they are red, ladybugs have become another powerful notion held by adoptive parents of Chinese children. I cannot even begin to tell you the number of times I talked to ladybugs and asked them to deliver messages to my children in China while we were waiting for them. Yes I realize that a ladybug in Washington state is not at all likely to fly to China, but I believe in leaving room for possibility because Heaven knows, I do not have all the answers. Savannah understands the idea of the red thread and in an earlier post here I mentioned her telling me that it connects her heart to mine.

Over the course of thousands of miles, through the losses in their lives, and no matter where we all came from... Scott, Savannah, Baden and myself have found our way to each other and have become a family.

This perspective also reflects the magical side of adoption that some say helps adoptive parents ease the weight of the burden that in reality our children's lives began in tragedy when they were abandoned by their birth-parents (which is the case for the majority of the children adopted from China.) I wish I knew the circumstances that my children were born into just so that I could help give them some answers and develop an understanding. I wish that whatever the circumstances were that they had been able to remain with their birth families, I wouldn't wish abandonment on anyone, especially the people that I love. To have suffered such profound loss and have a sense of it that nags at the back of your mind, yet knowing that you don't remember anything about it to begin to work through... agony. I love my children and one of the responsibilities that I have as their parent is to help them be emotionally healthy, to understand what we do know, accept that their are things we may never know and to help them find answers that can be found.